Photography Dustin Humphrey
© Insight51.com

It touches me, God, it fucking touches me. It touches, it tears, it drinks, it swears, and it won't let me go after this one. I'm not scared at all, I took a few steady breaths. I paced myself this time, I did, I did, I did, I did. He breathes into me, and I'm full. She pushes into me and I crumble. Remember when 'fuck' was the word that we held? Remember when love was a book on the shelf? Remember this: When it touches me, it tickles me--I laugh furiously.

Hey Satan,

You've made me a ghost. The people that I love are the one's that I scare the most. Is it an obligation to disservice? Am I clean? Was it worth it? There's dirt on my brain, my friend's would tell you the same. I'd love to shine it for you. I'd love to be a color other than blue. I'd love to be less obtuse. I'd love, for once, to be put to good use.

Love,

Josh

Believe everything.

I went walking in the streets,
there were signs in front of me
they said that he'd already left,
and that the sky was a mat
under which we'd been swept.

But, I closed my eyes and I felt fine.

Toad-ally fucked.

Like driving the car while the engine is smoking.
Like walking into a shit-storm, mouth wide open.
Like the disaster that is and will always be,
Like me, like me, like me, like me, like me, like me.

I gave the world in neon and in return got black and white.

I fought an uphill battle, and you didn't even put up the fight.

I feel a Grand Canyon growing deep inside of me.

Atop one mount is what I want--the other is what I need.

I rest in the valley; it is here that I find peace.

Yet, it’s this peace that destroys me,

The peace of a stagnant sleep.

The Beginning

Once I fell down. In a moment still in time, I remember that crushing agony of embarrassment hurling itself through my bones again. Even on this day, years later, I picture my feet, witnessing the misstep that led to my downfall.

Crashing

Ripping

Crushing.

The bane of my own anxieties made the results of the minor misstep into a great fiasco, a stock market crashing within my mind. Oh the agony! Anxiety has grown into the bête noire. In my mind I hurled endless obscenities at the beast, but it would not retreat. I arose. Upon doing so, I brushed off my tattered jeans and pullover and made my way past the witnesses to my disaster. Oh my God! The eyes! More piercing than rapiers fresh off of the sharpening stone! After being scalped and gutted by those eyes, I vowed to more carefully monitor my steps, so as not to ever fall again.

But mistakes happen, right? Because I fell again, hard.

...

...

...

I pulled a rabbit out of my hat. I presented it to you and you saw it fitting to take it with you, to share it with everyone you know. They saw it and took it as the truth, and you agreed. I had done well enough at pulling it out of my hat to trick you. Now everyone knows my rabbit as the truth, and I am pleased. You had kids, you told them about my rabbit. One day they'll tell their kids, and one day--one day, maybe the entire world will know my rabbit. Maybe my rabbit will make them comfortable, make life seem worth living. I hope my rabbit makes you happy.